Monday, November 24, 2008

Why Lying Is Better Than Viagra



Some friends will stop at nothing to garner the slightest edge. But now they are taking things to the next level. I am reading in the New York Times about how Viagra will improve my running times?? On reflection it makes sense. After all, it is a male PERFORMANCE enhancer.  I mean you don't think aspirin knows to work only on your headaches do you? Of course not. The drug effects all systems and the head, er or your other appendages in the case of Viagra are merely where we first notice the effects.

This gets me to thinking (I am a bit paranoid)....Hmmmmm. Many of my friends are getting to the age where they can feign a "legitimate" use for this stuff. Plus, last time I checked, there were no blood tests of the age group winners at the Morton 5k. Believe me. The BWS (AKA Bastard Jag Bag) will do anything to beat me in a race (you should hear the voice mail he just left me). The next time I am running with the pack, I am going to be very careful. If I feel anything resembling the pointed tip of the spear, I am pulling over! I noticed even Schroffy is wearing those loose fitting shorts and big droopy t-shirts. Coincidence????

Now, before you go grindin your blue smurf tablets up in your Endurox, here is my advice to you jags. If you are going to cheat or lie, go big! Swallowing a blue pill just to be faster than Schroff is thinkin small. What do you gain? I say, why EVEN pace your next 5k and pick up a second when you could have sprinted off the line and gone for 5 minutes! Trust me, YOU WANT TO WIN BIG! You NEED the satisfaction of knowing you put it ALL on the line! JAGS, JAGS, JAGS...I'm not talking about drugs, I am talking about lying! And not just one of those little white ones either. I say GO LONG MEN!

So, your goin in for a penny GO IN FOR A POUND!  Are your tired of not getting enough time to train? Is your wife always coming up with useless stuff to do?  Just tell her you have lymphoma!?!***

I figure it will take her a month before she catches on to the fact you are not really sick. Think about it! That's 30 days of not having to watch the kids, take the trash out or do any laundry!

[IMAGINATION: Scene 1, Rob Lies about Having Cancer]

Rob:  "Honey, I just found out I have Cancer.  Lymphoma.  Most likely I'll be dead in a year."
Shev: "Poor baby, can I take the kids for a few hours so you can get another run in? "
Rob: "But what about you honey? Don't you need to train too?"

Shev: "Don't sweat it hon. I am a survivor just like you. As long as your still here with us and healthy, I don't really need to exercise. You just go. Later, after I fix you dinner, let's have sex again. We really need to make the most of these moments while your still healthy." (eyes fawn, and she grins)  
Rob: "Sure Babe" (yawn)

Shev: "What's wrong honey?"
gazing into her eyes lovingly...
Rob: "I noticed your eyes are a bit uneven, and by your eyes I mean your breasts."

I swat her butt and jog out the door.... 

[IMAGINATION: End of scene 1]

Disclaimer: Despite her claims of my continued effort to drive her out of her "goddamn mind" and turn her every waking hour into some kind of living nightmare my wife admitted (under duress) she still loves me! 

Awww, now ain't that cute :-)!



*** I don't have the guts to actually try this experiment because my wife can bench press over 175 lbs and I've seen her mad.  For the time being, it's  just a thought experiment but I am hoping one of you might try it let me know how it goes IRL.

3 comments:

Matt S. said...

Rob, Don't your kids look at this site? An awfully brave picture to put up. I didn't know what one of "those" was until I was 13 :).

Rob said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rob said...

Actually, I was 12 when I first saw a dead body.