Monday, June 1, 2009

Daisy Ruins Breakfast

Grapenuts. God I must be ancient. I usually put plain yogurt on top and add fruit. No honey, no sugar. I just love this cereal. Today I read in the Wall Street Journal the brand is in trouble. Although I wasn't personally named in the paper, I am (apparently) one of about five people left in the world that still eats them. It could be they don't resonate with a younger, hipper, Obama nation. It could be they are neither made from grapes or from nuts. It could be they are as hard as gravel. I don't know. But, it's with some trepidation I write this post. My fingers on the keyboard might as well be the boot of the hangman. I am kicking the last breath from the condemned man when he's going down. Because if you are like me, after this, you'll never be able to eat them again without gagging. I am in the kitchen enjoying breakfast. I have my grape nuts in my bowl and a shot of espresso next to it and life is pretty good. Then I turn to see Daisy, my 7 year old boxer, enter the kitchen. She looks longingly at me munching on my bowl. It's a gaze of fellowship and of longing. She's drooling and has somthing instantly recognizable all over her face. It's not the first time.

She's retarded! She's drooling because she's imagining the treat I MUST be eating. Thankfully for me she was wrong. Looking at her, I almost dropped my spoon. I knew! I'm going to gross a few of you out. She had gone down into the basement and gotten into the cat's litter box. She ate about 6 litter crusted cat turds and came up from the basement with much of the evidence sticking to her jowels. Yuck-Barf-Yuck....Day OVER! Granted, we are both mammals, but for the love of god how does a creature manage to have that kind of perspective? When I look at my cat I think, "what an unclean disgusting animal". He's probably got rabies or pin worms from eating rats or dead squirrels from the back yard. Idiot head, on the other hand sees an organic vending machine dispensing delicious confections to be savored.


Anonymous said...

you are a very gross person you didn't have to tell everyone you know -KAI FENNELL

Matt S. said...

Hilarious, everything about it! You had made some wonderful posts the past week. I am regular reader and look forward to the updates. BTW, Kaila is right, you are gross.