U.S. News and World Report, 52 minutes ago
Losing 99.99 percent of it's total value, the DOW industrials closed at an unprecedented 9 points today. The US Department of Labor put the countries private sector unemployment rate at effectively 100%. Yet, through it all, one man, and one man only perseveres. Though there were more than nine documented indiscretions —including tardiness, gross incompetence, and poor hygiene—in the self-produced employment file, the King Street, St. Louis McDonalds Restaurant employee, Ronald Johnson endures. Mr Johnson is known the world around as America's last employed citizen. "I get more than a little creeped out from all the people staring at me man," the 29-year-old told reporters Monday. "Stop it already! You know I can't be givin you out free fries!" Although he's done plenty to warrant being fired and cares little about his job Johnson believes his unique skills are critical to his stores sales in these tough economic conditions. "I've got hopes and dreams bigger than this dump," Johnson continued. "I'm only doing this because there's no way I'll ever come close to achieving them dreams. Besides, with no manager around anymore, this job ain't so bad."
"I ain't worried, man," said Jonhnson, who commented when asked if his employer had perhaps forgotten he was on the payroll. "Fuck that Shit Man! I'm getting a full-hour lunch break and all the free soda I can carry. I got Responsibilities and a rep. You think this food just magically appears?"