Tuesday, June 29, 2010

And the Award For Best Perfor`mance Goes To.....

At Faster-Than-Schroff we write about so much more than running.  I've been pretty busy lately just getiting chores like laundry and housework done that I've not really had much time to post anything.  The readers email are going unanswered and the junk mail piling up on my butterfly fuck swing.  Time to get back to work.  Let's begin with a piece on sexual health......

Being in top physical condition requires that we take a look at all aspects of health to include nutrition, meditation and stretching but being in top reproductive condition is also important.  Weak legs can be a sign of severe genital fatigue and sap seconds from endurance events.  Whether or not you choose to have sex while training for your next big event are decisions not to be taken lightly.  Regardless, you know my positionj on being minimalist here.  By that I do advocate and insist you guys be barefoot during sex.  Pronation has no impact on this topic.  But sex has an additional emotional effect that not only effects the athlete but the athletes partner. Being in a committed and deeply satisfying relationship is a lot of work (just ask my wife).  When it comes to sex, emotions and feeling are just as important as performance.  It's very complicated.

I was reading a piece in Men's Journal last week that found most women will at some time or another, fake an orgasm.  I am shocked!  When a man discovers their partners o-face is fake it can be devistating.  I immediately began r extensive research on the internet.  After viewing what must have been hundreds of hours of film and pictures I have determined when a woman fakes orgasms it can indeed appear very realistic.   Trust me.  I looked at A LOT of sites.

 Recall how Meg Ryan's character in the film “Harry Met Sally” was able to demonstrate how well women can act at faking an orgasm. She went through the orgasm sequence at a restaurant, fully dressed, head back and moaning, so dramatically that a female patron declared, “I'm having what she's having.” Those women who know the truth laughed loud and long, while men chuckled too.

I decided interviewing my running buddies might shed some light on this most delicate subject but none of them seemed to have a clue.  Mike Srouse (I changes some letters to protect his identity) said "Rob, I don't know.  My wife's 100% totally satisfied with me.  It's just never been an issue."  Sean Robertie (also not his real name) said "Rob, i'm not bullshitting you.  In my marriage it never happens...  The wife is always so blown away by me she can't speak for hours.  Perhaps we are just fortunate.  To recover from me she finds that sleep helps.  It usually it takes 2-4 days before she's completely right again.".

'You guy just don't get it.'  Ken Heckler (again) suggested.... 'Being a physical therapist I understand the female anatomy in such detail that make the typical OBGYN asking for my advice.  It's really all about setting the mood.  I use clothing to enhance my sexuality even at work. When I put on a great looking outfit it just sets the mood for great intimacy.  I'm really happy with my official NASCAR approved Jordash jeans and my velvet thong.  They highlight the important stuff.  As for the sex event itself, I like to make really fast race car sounds right before she explodes!  VVVVVVRRRRROOOM VROOM!'

Schroff (his real name) was dumbfound.  He was no help at all.  A self proclaimed virgin. Apparently he's saving himself for his wedding night or he might be afraid the extra cardio would negatively affect his training.

Experts in the sex field (and I mean doctors guys...) say the best way for men to be totally sure a woman is not faking it is to do a brain scan while performing any sex act. Heightened brain activity in the left frontal lobe is a dead giveaway.  Be sure you keep plenty of conductive gel handy for the electrodes.  Brightly colored feathers taped to each electrode can help to keep the mood from changing while applying the apparatus.


Shev Comments: I don’t fake it. I’m real and I keep it blunt. Not only does he have to perform to the utmost standards, but he also has to entertain me. If he's not 100% on his game once we get started I’ll show signs of boredom real quick with a loud, obvious sigh or just be like ‘get off me if you’re gonna bullshit around, I don’t have time for this’   He really is faster than Schroff.

Staley Comments: My fake orgasms are practically academy award winners. I swear sometimes I get more involved in seeing how convincing I can get and watching the reaction of the “under-performer” who now thinks he is the “King of the World.” However, if with my stellar performance he takes too long to get to the point, my “go to move” is faking a charley-horse or some kinda muscle related pain. This again requires another chances to exercise my acting chops. Like the man said “All the world’s a stage.”

Beth Comments: I’ve been faking it for a while and propose that those who should continue to fake it take a two-pronged approach. Yes, the requisite moaning is necessary. If your able to speak in tongues even better. (I’ve never been able to let go and speak in tongues because I think I’m just too aware of myself.) He’ll think he’s gotcha. You want your faking to be multi-dimensional.  God I hate those jeans he always starts out in.

Amy Comments: This is not a drill! ... It's a miter saw...please familiarize yourself with my power tools! After he falls asleep I just email him my complaints so he can deal with them at work.

Doreen Comments: I try to just sort of react to his get me in the mood plot twists. Having 2 PHD's helps. I've never faked an orgasm but I think it's because I never put out if I am not in the mood yet I have learned to accept that he always will be.  Its not easy being devastatingly attractive and being married to me all of the time. Also, I think its OK to just distract him with beer.

Beth Comments: Ewwh!! Yuck!!!  I accidentally found this site in my finance's browser history. Now I think I need a shower. I feel the same about sex with David as I do about the toilet paper in the bathroom.  I go in thinking hopefully it's going to be long and useful, but it always ends at the wrong moment.  Fortunately I can bluff like a Vegas poker player.  After his 45 second performance he falls asleep and I can play my good hand.  Deal with it.


Matt S. said...

Amazing, you never cease to amaze me, WOW, WHAT A POST! I am literally wiping the tears away from my face. For your own sake, I hope your kids haven't found this website yet. "Mail piling up on my butterfly fuck swing." Priceless

Helge said...

I agree with Matt. It truly is one of your best pieces of work!