Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Period Shoes for Women

First there was the Rebok EasyTone. These women's shoes are built to tone and firm a girls posterior while she walks the mall in search of chili cheese fries and a new purse. In exchange she got to walk around looking like she had a club foot. Very sexy! It was very clever of Rebok. People love a quick fix. These shoes are billed as an easy way to get those chiseled cheeks without the time consuming workouts.  

Now Asics is one upping Rebok by introducing a shoe that adjusts itself off the hormonal changes that naturally occur before and during a womens menstrual cycle. This one is not for vanity but for health! It's called the Asics GEL-KAYANO 16. I prefer to call it the PMS trainer.  It contains cushioning cells which expand and contract in harmony with a woman's hormones  (I wish I was making this up). Thankfully, now a girl doesn't have to be (at best) in a wheelchair, or in extreme cases, bed ridden because her shoes hurt so badly she can't walk those cursed 3 days each month!

According to Asics: "When oestrogen is high, and a woman is at her most fertile, the arch drops. Later in the month, when she is menstruating, levels of the hormone are low but her arch is raised." So we need to be checking out our women's training shoes and hitting on them when those Asics are in low arch mode.  Hubba Hubba! Me so hoooowrnhey ;-).

Here is the actual news story about the shoe: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1249982/Running-shoe-women-adjusts-according-time-month.html#ixzz0fjEPmuBj

 I remember when I was a kid my best friend Ron and I were playing and his mom told us to go to the store and get her some tampax. We were pretty nervous. She may have also wanted us to pick her up a pack of smokes. I'm old enough that this wasn't such a ridiculous request nor was there any danger of us a) having DCFS called or b)being denied a pack of smokes just for being 12.  Those were the good-ol days! We took his little brother.  When we got to the checkout with the box of Tampax the guy at the counter asked my buddy if he knew what these were for.  Ron, a consumate smart ass put his hand on his bro's head and said, "Oh these are not for me. They're for my little brother.  He's four.  We saw these on TV.  The ad says you can swim and ride a bike if you use these and my brother can't do either." I could have NEVER said that to a grown up.  Even today, I'm the kind of guy who blushes when my wife buys a month worth of toilet paper at Target. I try to hide by the magazines hoping nobody recognizes me. I don't want everyone to thinking, here come the Shitzoids.  The've got QUITE a GI problem I see.  Must be a diarrhea induced by poor hygiene. Poor shucks....constantly crapping all over themselves.

Not to be outdone by the shoe giant Asics.  I am coming out with my own line of shoes that can be made from maxi pads.  I think I can get Adam at running central to carry them. From a marketing standpoint they will be popular with both the minimalist (low flow) runners and the folks who well, let just say, need a bit more protection.... If you want an advance pair you'll have to make them yourself. I plan to offer 3 convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) The Damn has Broken.

Here is the prototype shoe I'm basing my design on.  I plan on giving my wife a pair for her birthday this year (shhhhhhhh!).

I'll need four maxi pads to make a pair.

The selling points are:
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable
* Environmentally safe

Rumor has it the Asics PMS Trainers will be offered with a GPS soon. The Asics PMS-GPS.  You'll now have a crazy bitch who can find you.  Run fast guys!


Matt S. said...

You never fail to make me laugh :)

southofthecliff said...

I call them the Shoe of Menses.


P(m)S - let me know if you need a shoe tester. Those look comfy!